Frankly... (Ok, Brain, can I sleep now?)

It's late and I can't sleep. Typical, right? I am almost 36 weeks pregnant, so that's totally normal, right? ;)

Maybe. But right now, I can't sleep because my mind and heart won't let me rest. I just need to let out my emotions and hormones. I know I will probably want to burn this post up or never let it see the light of day. But I feel like this might be a way for me to help myself heal from the past few years, and hope that maybe I can help others along the way. And please, please, please, don't be offended. I just need to lift this burden from my shoulders by getting it out there in the open.

So, here's a little about me if we haven't met. I'm Janae. I am a mom and a wife to the best husband and 2 year old son I could ever ask for. Our baby girl is due at the end of November. I am beyond blessed with a beautiful family. I love to do pretty much anything. I would probably describe myself as a Jill of all trades, but a master of none. Name a random hobby, and I've probably dabbled in it a little over the years, but I am no expert in any of them. I'm a perfectionist, an over-achiever and a people-pleaser.

My life is incredibly blessed, but it has been difficult at the same time. I know many would say that they feel the same way. Life is tough, but ever beautiful. However, these past few years have been particularly challenging for me. In the past four years, I graduated from college, got a job in my career field, got married, had a son, bought a house, my husband got his dream job, and we are expecting a baby girl. That all sounds pretty awesome on paper, doesn't it?

Well, frankly I haven't been doing great. Most everyone that I've met throughout my life would describe me as a happy, outgoing, and caring person. Truth is, I have kind of struggled with that over these past few years. After a bout with depression after my son's birth, teaching in inner city schools and getting treated like garbage there, financial struggles, sickness, and a lack of social support, I am kind of just hanging on. If it weren't for my amazing husband, my mother, and my ever loving Heavenly Father, I would be an absolute mess.

We all need each other. I have always loved getting to know people, serve them, and be friends. That has always been one of my greatest joys, but lately, one of my biggest struggles. They say that it's harder to make friends once you're older (ya know, ya can't just get all friendly with the medical biller you're on the phone with like you could with the guy that sat next to you in Biology class now, eh?). I think that is partly true, but that mostly, it takes more effort from us to make those friendships. Friends came easily to me when I was younger, and it has gotten increasingly difficult through the years. I had many friends in college, and I love getting to see them accomplishing things and being happy on Facebook, but honestly, I feel pretty forgotten. I had three best friends then. Two won't talk to me (one's a dude and not married so he's totally exempt). I have no idea why. Things like this sound silly, but to someone who's tried really hard to keep those friendships alive and tried to make friendships harder than ever these past years, it really hurts.We need friends to lift us up and to help us through good times and bad.

I guess maybe sharing my experiences could be helpful. Three-ish years ago, I moved to VA to accept a teaching position. I am from WA, so this was quite the move! My husband and I were engaged and he was still out West, and he joined me a few months later after we got married. I taught in a high poverty school....like 99% free and reduced lunch and in the neighborhood with the most concentrated poverty South of Harlem. It was quite a change of scenery from edgy Provo, UT. :)


 I was so stoked to be teaching in a high needs school and came in with many ideals on how I could change the world as most new teachers do. In reality, I taught Spanish to kids K-5 for 30 minutes once a week who didn't even know basic reading and writing skills in English. Well, mostly. My class was viewed as unimportant, so about 1/3 of the year I spent being a test proctor for state tests and a substitute for classes that a sub refused to come in for, or because a teacher had physically disciplined a child. Yes, it was that school. The one that you hear horror stories about. I had to break up physical altercations at least once if not twice a day, and be on the lookout for students trying to jump me. In an elementary school!

 I tried really hard. Being an over-achiever, I felt empowered at the beginning of the year because I saw so much potential in the things I could change. By the end of the year, picking up 3rd graders off the floor to avoid them drawing blood from another student (while being 5 months pregnant) was really draining. The worst part about it was that I had no support. I made the point to go to the teacher's lounge so I could interact with other staff members, support other teachers when their kids were selling Girl Scouts cookies, and to talk to others at staff meetings,etc.

 The reality was that they thought I was weird. I was from out West, I was young, white, and I was a Mormon. Mormonism is not well understood out there. There were rumors spread that my husband and I had an arranged marriage and that I didn't like black people. Wow. Both of those are definitely not true. Anyway, it was rough. At the end of the year, my husband and I decided to call it quits, as we were expecting and that kind of work environment would not be good for our family. At the end of the year, I got a review from the vice principal (from an observation that she did at the beginning of October without ever returning to my classroom) saying that I was decent, and that I needed to work on classroom management. Thanks for the help! Not. Not a single referral I wrote got acted upon by the administration, and I was often told by the students and aides that they behaved better for me than for their classroom teacher. For an over achiever like me, that was painful. I taught at another school district part time two years later, and have healed a little. I love people, and I love teaching. Well, I keep telling myself that, but I am honestly a little too scarred still to want to go back to the classroom unless I really need the money. Since I was young, I have always dreamed of being a teacher, and this kind of pulled the rug out from under me.

Later that year, our son was born. What a ray of happiness and light he is! He sure keeps me on my toes. Of course, those kind of amazing kids take their toll at the beginning of their lives. Gavin was a healthy 9 lbs. 3 oz. baby, with a hefty appetite to go along with his size. Anyway....he nursed every hour during the day until he was 5 months old. That is rough. I really feel for people who are nursing. It takes a lot of energy and patience. At 5 months, I introduced rice and then other foods into his diet. Thankfully, that helped curb his hunger. However, for those first 5 months of his life, I was pretty stuck. Going somewhere or doing something meant that it had to be done very quickly, or just not done. Period.

 Anyone who has gone through this knows that this can cause a lot of anxiety and stress. I love going out and being outside, but I felt like I was constantly attached to a ball and chain. Not to mention, you isolate yourself when you are in that situation. I can remember many times in the first part of his life not being able to do a simple thing such as singing Primary songs to him, as I would begin to bawl. I often felt alone. I had to rely on prayer to get me through those times. These parts of our lives were so wonderful as we love our little boy so much, but immensely difficult, as I felt the essence of who I am was hollowed out as I became full of anxiety and stress. I still feel like I am gradually building up to the person I once was. Even though his birth had sent me through a rough patch, he was and still is what gets me through the day. When he looks up at me with those big brown eyes and says, "Lub you, Mommy," I know that what I do is ok. I may not be a good mom, but I know that my husband and son love me and appreciate what I do for them, even if it's not Pinterest worthy. :)

Along with being stuck with a newborn all day, my social support really suffered. We had made a few friends from church before Gavin was born, but I was working at the time. I wasn't part of the 'mom club' because I couldn't be there. I looked forward to when my son was born so that I could hang out with them, but that wasn't the case. I went to a few playgroup activities, and ended up going home disappointed as I spent 90% of the time nursing him, or couldn't relate to the moms talking about potty training, as I knew nothing of the sort. We made it a point to go to church and church activities, as we think that is important to God, but also, to help us make friends. We were in various leadership positions and worked and served right alongside many people, but never really felt like we were part of the club. We didn't necessarily fit in with the locals, and weren't cool enough for the dental/medical families.

After a little while, I tried a few jobs in the hopes of getting out, finding a different career path, and expanding my work experience and circle of friends. That didn't really pan out either. Finding a babysitter who would watch my son was difficult. People seemed to think that he was difficult and a burden on them, even if I paid them. That was hard because I knew that I needed to get out to work or to go on dates with my husband but I was so worried that I was inconveniencing someone with my son that I felt guilty and stressed the whole time I was gone. Luckily, I found a good babysitter the 2nd year that I taught. She was a Godsend. I am grateful that for that time when we really needed the money from me working we had Andrea. She really cared for Gavin, and I am so grateful for all she did for us.

Earlier this year, my Justin got his dream job. We moved back across the country to CA.  We were very excited to be closer to family (a 5 hour drive is much better than flying across the country for sure!), and we were both hoping that it would be a good change of scenery for us. (I had frequent ear and sinus infections out there due to new allergens and we were hoping to find friends.) Once again, I found out I was pregnant right after we moved here. I was scared. Pregnancy and all that jazz had taken its toll on me before, and we were new here, too. Moving to a new place and expecting a baby is difficult. Having children means wanting people to celebrate with you, and needing a support group. That is hard when you don't know each other that well. When I can attend activities (Justin doesn't get home from work until 7 usually), I go. I've been trying as hard as I can, and I think we're ok. We don't have tons of close friends, but I feel like we are making progress. Moving is just hard. I used to love moving in college so I could meet new people, but you really need a good support group with kids (especially if you don't live close to family).

I hope that you're not offended and that you haven't had your ear talked off (or *ahem*....read until your eyes are sore). I feel like that was therapeutic to get some of it off of my chest. I don't think any of us really have all our ducks in a row, but that we can help each other to do so. I hope that we can help each other in healing and becoming our best selves. It's a long and lengthy process, so stay a while. Let's be friends. Let's get better together.

Love, Janae :)